How to Renew Your “I Do”
This month many of us will witness the vows of marriage. In churches, on beaches, in gardens, along rivers and on ranches, we will hear those timeless words “I do.” We will watch young couples begin their married life and perhaps surmise about the unpredictable journey that lies ahead of them. Those of us with experience will think about what we have learned (and wish we’d known) and what wisdom we would give to those just starting out.
I believe one of the greatest gifts couples can give each other is to cultivate emotional intelligence within themselves and their marriage. Emotional intelligence on a personal level involves being conscious of one’s emotions, the ability to manage them effectively, to engage them for motivation, to recognize emotions in others and work with them in relationships. To say that these skills are the foundation for developing satisfying, long-term relationships is an understatement. So what do we really know about emotional intelligence in marriage?
Well know marital researcher, John Gottman, Ph.D. has studied what couples with satisfying, long-term relationships have in common. He asserts that emotionally intelligent couples have found a way for their positive thoughts and feelings about each other to override their negative thoughts and feelings (which all couples have). This finding highlights the importance of creating a bank account of positive emotions within the marriage. While this sounds simple enough, especially early in the relationship, it can take more intention than we expect.ma
In working with couples, I often see the results when life-demands erode the time and energy needed to foster positive feelings for each other – time for fun, relaxation, connection, intimacy, dreaming and admiration. If we create less positive feelings over time, it is easy for negative thoughts to loom larger and larger in our mind until that is all we see. The painful result is that our perspective becomes increasingly unbalanced and the marriage becomes polarized. The more polarized we become, the more likely we are to feel frustrated and stuck.
In addition to intentionally creating positive feelings toward each other, couples also need the ability to deal with the negative feelings they do have in a constructive way. Success requires two people applying their own emotionally savvy to their relationship. (Click to Tweet).
Especially important is the ability to resolve or deal with negative emotions while remaining engaged in the relationship. Many of us have learned to cope with negative feelings by shutting down (silent treatment) or cutting off (leaving), but neither of those serve to strengthen the relationship. Unexpressed anger builds resentment and even contempt over time, often making it difficult to remember what we fell in love with in the first place.
The more skilled a couple is at managing their emotional world, the better able they are to understand, honor and respect each other, “‘til death do us part.”
P.S. If you’re interested in learning more about the work of John Gottman, I recommend his book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.