What You Need to Know About Self-Care
“Every human on earth craves nurturing and to be mothered.” ~ Dr. Christiane Northrup
It is true that deep down inside we all want someone to “mother” us. And I mean all of us; from toddlers who can crawl up on your knee, to big tough guys and independent women. Even as adults, there are times – when we’re tired, lonely, sick or hurt – that we still want someone to step in, comfort us, feed us, take care of us and tell us everything will be okay. We want someone to love and nurture us the way only a mother can.
This week as we celebrate the gift of mothering in our lives; some of us will be painfully aware of what’s missing. Because, for a variety of reasons, some of us never had the mothering we wished we had and we can spend our whole lives in search of it.
We spend years trying to be good enough; trying to get our mother’s attention in the mistaken belief that we’re somehow at fault for what is missing. When that doesn’t work our efforts often turn to our spouse. We search out someone we believe will take care of us, and unconsciously believe that through their nurturing we will prove to ourselves that we’re worthy of love. But they cannot be our mother, so dissatisfaction and marital problems are bound to result. What’s a person to do?
The good news is that it’s never too late to give yourself the nurturing that you crave. It’s called Self-care and it’s one of the most powerful tools we can learn. Fundamentally, Self-care is about providing for ourselves the nurturing love we would desire from our mother. It requires Finding the Mother Within and giving ourselves what we need instead of looking for it through another.
Here’s What You Need to Know About Self-care:
1. Know what you need. You can’t respond well to your needs if you don’t know what they are. This requires self-awareness; tuning into how you feel physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It means recognizing when you’re hungry, tired, hurting, lonely, sad, discouraged, angry or afraid and knowing what’s nurturing to you. If you’re not sure, you can start by imagining what you would like to have someone else do for you in the moment.
2. Shift your mindset from looking to someone else first, to starting with how you can care for yourself. This is a new concept for many people and may meet with some resistance, especially if our focus is on whether other people “should” be giving us the nurturing and care we need. Digging in and waiting for, or demanding, what we feel entitled to keeps many of us stuck in cycles of frustration and pain.
We all deserve to be well-loved and nurtured by others, but if it’s not there – it’s not there; and whether it “should” be becomes irrelevant. It hurts no one but you to continue to look for water in a dry well, and you have the option of freeing yourself by choosing another water source.
3. Develop a deep tool box of resources for Self-care. Caring for ourselves well means having multiple ways to meet our needs. For instance, it may help me to talk to a favorite friend when I feel down but if she’s my only resource I am at risk when she’s not available. I encourage people to have at least two or three tools that are known to meet their varied needs that they can draw from at any time.
Developing a tool box is a process of exploration and experimentation. It begins by paying attention to what you naturally do to get out of a funk, calm yourself down, cheer yourself up, relax when you’re anxious, or connect when you’re lonely. Try different things and make notes about what works best for you, (e.g. exercise, breathing, music, writing, talking, inspirational reading, praying, animals or a favorite movie). Over time you’ll identify the most effective tools for you and then you can put them into regular practice.
While nothing replaces the loving attention of a mother or being nurtured by others, we need not live with striving and disappointment. Practicing good Self-care is essential for our personal health and relational well-being. It’s never too late to begin a new practice. Why not start today?
Suggested Action: Write down everything you already do to take care of your physical self, mental self, emotional self, spiritual self and relationships. Is your tool box deep in all areas? Where could you add more resources? What would you like to try? Leave a comment and let me know what you discover.