Escaping Dysfunction Junction
Summer is a time when families feel more in the spotlight. With kids out of school we schedule more time together; either at home or on vacation – sometimes visiting more family. And the more time we spend together, the more aware we become of how we function together.
It’s easy to focus on the dysfunction in our families, but the truth is that all families are dysfunctional. Some have more challenges than others – the wounds of addictions and abuse are real – but there are no perfect families.
Most families are just people who love each other most of the time, who are trying to do the best they can with what they know.
Maybe like me you vowed to create a different family from the one you grew up in; or maybe you wouldn’t change a thing. Regardless of our experience there’s always room for growth, so today I’d like to offer some guidelines for a well-functioning family.
Functional families respect the following personal freedoms:
1. The freedom to live in the here and now; rather than what was, will be or should be.
2. The freedom to think what one thinks; rather than what one should think.
3. The freedom to feel what one feels; rather than what one should feel.
4. The freedom to desire and to choose what one wants; rather than what one should want.
5. The freedom to explore one’s own self-development; rather than playing a rigid role or always playing it safe.
Functional families practice the following norms:
1. Problems are acknowledged and constructively resolved.
2. All members can express their perceptions, feelings, thoughts, desires and dreams.
3. Each person and each relationship is treated equally.
4. Communication is direct and congruent; focused more on understanding than on being right.
5. Family members get their needs met.
6. Family members can be different from each other.
7. Parents do what they say. They are self-disciplined disciplinarians.
8. Family roles are chosen and flexible.
9. The atmosphere is fun and spontaneous.
10. Expectations and consequences are clear.
11. Personal boundaries are known and respected.
12. The rules require accountability.
If you perceive a theme of tolerance and acceptance, you are right. Much pain and suffering stems from focusing on who family members should be rather than who they are. The ability to accept personal differences is the foundation of healthy relationships in any setting, and there is no more perfect place to practice than within our own family. And practice is what it takes. Practice, practice and more practice!