The Power of Perspective, part 2
“Don’t take anything personally.” – Michael Ruiz, The Four Agreements
One of the most powerful ways to “see differently” is to recognize and shift a default pattern of “taking it personally.”
Taking it personally – or personalizing – your experience happens when you see another’s behavior as a reflection of you. You often find yourself feeling offended, hurt or defensive with others. You easily feel compelled to explain, justify or otherwise defend your position. You are very sensitive to feedback and usually hear it as criticism.
Whether it’s your spouse, your boss, the clerk at the check-out or someone who cuts you off in traffic, your mind is in a constant state of reactive protection.
Even when you realize that it’s not a reflection of you (the clerk doesn’t even know you), it still feels like it’s about you. You have an emotional response. You can feel your defenses rising in reaction to the sarcasm, social slight or critical observation.
With enough personalizing practice you may even build an emotional wall with the pretense of indifference: “who cares what they think?” when nothing could be further from the truth.
In the midst of such emotional struggle it can be hard to believe you have a choice, but you do. You can choose a perspective that reflects the role of the “other” as well as your own. One which recognizes that:
The vast majority (research suggests 80-90 %) of another’s behavior is more about them and their life than it is about you and yours.
That’s amazing to think about, right? The first time I considered this possibility it was revolutionary for me. In the years since then, this simple truth has transformed my life and relationships. And it can for you too.
You begin by noticing when you automatically take something personally. Noticing your behavior will cause you to slow down. Slowing down gives you the opportunity to choose to “see it differently;” to remind yourself that what is happening may have nothing (or very little) to do with you!
Like all perspective changes, this takes some practice before it becomes natural. In my home, we’ve used the gentle reminder “it’s not about you” as a prompt to slow down and check our perspective. Some people carry a Q-Tip as a reminder to Quit Taking It Personally. Find what helps you stay aware.
This doesn’t mean my ego gets free rein to assume it’s not about me, that I’m never in the wrong or need to make a correction. That would be just as distorted. It does mean I don’t assume it is about me before reflecting on it. It’s important to step back and consider my part of the interaction and be open to valid feedback. (There is always room for growth!)
I have found the ability to be curious about what is happening, rather than leaping to conclusions, to be very enlightening. With my defenses lowered, I can keep an open heart and mind to what might be happening in another person’s life. With a family member or friend, I can ask about what’s going on rather than reacting to their words or behavior. Suddenly what could have started an argument becomes the doorway to deeper understanding and connection instead.
If it’s someone I don’t know, my mind wonders what stresses, negativity or pain they are dealing with. Do they have an ill family member? Have they been up all night with a child? Are they struggling to pay their bills or find a job? Did they just have a fight with someone they love? Is this how they are with everyone? How have they become so angry or unhappy?
I may never know the answer, but being able to ask the question allows me to keep perspective and see their humanity. It means I don’t have to be sucked into someone’s negativity and I can hold onto my compassion. It allows me to offer grace to myself and the other person for our parts of the experience. Instead of an angry gesture, I can send some positive thoughts and energy their way.
Our perspective is powerful indeed. May you find freedom and peace in not “taking it personally.”