Personal Boundaries Make Life Easier
There are few things more predictive of a satisfying relationship than the health of the personal boundaries of those involved. A powerful statement, I know, but one that stands true for me.
In my therapy practice I have the opportunity to work with many kinds of relationships: spouses, siblings, parent-child, exes, partners and parents. Regardless of the relationship, where there is conflict or dissatisfaction there are always boundary issues in the mix. On reflection, I can certainly see this in my own life as well.
Boundaries are the way we recognize where our reality, control and responsibility ends, and someone else’s begins. They run the spectrum from the subtle boundaries of etiquette and manners, to the concrete boundaries of the law. You know that your boundaries have been crossed if you feel violated in any way. If you’ve ever said, “That’s where I draw the line!” you have set a personal boundary for yourself.
It is important to develop healthy boundaries for many reasons. They provide a foundation for safe and secure relationships. They protect us from offense or abuse, and they prevent us from offending or abusing others. But the bottom line for me is that healthy boundaries make life so much easier! And I like easy.
The quality of my life when I lived with damaged boundaries was so different from what I have now. Life with damaged or missing boundaries often feels overwhelming. There is more miscommunication; more “drama,” more hurt feelings, personalization and resentment. Ugh! I feel exhausted just thinking about it.
Suffice it to say that I have healthy boundaries today because I’ve developed them. The expertise I offer others I gained in the trenches of personal growth before I learned it in a book. I won’t say that it was quick or easy, but I will say that it was totally worthwhile. And if I can do it, so can you.
So what do healthy boundaries look like? Healthy boundaries are flexible; they are raised to ward off offenders and lowered to allow intimacy with those you trust. They respect the territory of others and expect the same respect in return.
This is different from those of us who construct an impermeable wall to keep from being hurt. A wall is usually maintained by anger or fear, and prevents satisfying connections and real intimacy. In contrast, healthy emotional boundaries provide a symbolic fence that keeps us from thinking and feeling responsible for someone else’s thinking, feeling or acting.
If you grew up in a family lacking boundaries, your personal boundaries may have been damaged or remained undeveloped. Families where substance abuse; physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse are present are at particular risk for boundary problems.
The good news is that personal boundaries can be developed and repaired at any age. It’s never too late to increase respect and safety in your relationships – and make your life easier!